(By: Nicholas Kennicott)

“Hey Kevin. I’m really grieved about cheating on my taxes the other day when I was working through my deductions. I want to confess that to you so you can hold me accountable to do the right thing.”

“Oh Tim, don’t worry about it man – everyone does that here and there, it’s not a big deal. Besides, it’s your money. Just forget about it.”

What’s wrong with that conversation? Or this one:

“Hi Betty. I wanted to call and confess to you that I told some of the ladies at church the information you shared with me about your marriage problems with Gregg even though you had asked me not to say anything. I’m very sorry Betty, will you please forgive me?”

“Oh yeah, Nancy… no problem. That’s not really that big of a deal, I wouldn’t worry about it… I mean that should be good anyway, right? Now they know how to pray for us.”

Unfortunately, it seems as though Christians have a lot of these conversations. These examples show two different people who have sinned are looking for accountability, but aren’t receiving it. They have confessed their sins to one another, yet have not been responded to in a helpful manner.

It’s certainly a natural tendency of ours to minimize sin when hearing from repentant and heartfelt people who are seeking forgiveness and accountability. We don’t like things to be messy or lacking in peace. We don’t tend to desire conflict. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard to confront someone who is in sin, or to agree with them that they have sinned in a specific situation. Our propensity is to make them feel better about themselves or the situation, without actually addressing the issue for what it is. Yet, in the end what we actuallydo is make a bad situation worse by granting permission to sin.

A primary aspect of true Christian community is accountability. Christians who are focused on holiness have a longing for accountability and correction. The Apostle James envisioned a community that was intentional about the mutual confession of sins: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another” (James 5:16a). This is certainly not a detailed account of specific sin, but rather a humble honesty about having committed sin, and recognizing the need to be cleansed by Christ. Paul also had mutual confession in mind as he wrote to the Galatians: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:1-2). Matthew Henry wisely comments:

Where persons have injured one another, acts of injustice must be confessed to those against whom they have been committed. Where persons have tempted one another to sin or have consented in the same evil actions, there they ought mutually to blame themselves and excite each other to repentance. Where crimes are of a public nature, and have done any public mischief, there they ought to be more publicly confessed, so as may best reach to all who are concerned. And sometimes it may be well to confess our faults to some prudent minister or praying friend, that he may help us to plead with God for mercy and pardon.[1]

James’ exhortation is not a suggestion that one should keep a record of their personal wrongdoings to confess to another. It seems more appropriate to understand James as commanding confession to other believers when the sin is public, when the sin directly affects another person, or when the sin is recurrent in our lives and we are in need of accountability. It is also wise to confess sins to another when our conscience is grieved, and when we would like someone else to remind us of the promises of God to forgive us our sins when we humbly confess them to Him. In this we must be wise, for to confess our sins outside the circle of each sin’s effect, we may be causing more harm than good. If today’s Christians truly desire the experience of genuine Christian community, it would do us well to make a practice of confessing our sins to one another.

Perhaps more important than confessing our sins to another is how we hear and respond when someone else is confessing their sins to us. Kevin and Betty in our example above did not respond in a way that is helpful. Kevin could have responded differently by saying:

“Well Tim, I’m encouraged to know that you are seeking accountability for this sin – I will be faithful to hold you to what you have asked. And remember brother, because of Jesus’ sacrifice for sinners, the Lord is faithful to forgive you for your sin when you humbly repent. It has already been paid for.”

In this response, Kevin didn’t attempt to make Tim feel better about sinning – in fact he acknowledges that guilt and a grieved conscience are good things in the midst of sin. Additionally, he agrees to hold Tim accountable to correct his wrongdoing and appropriately reminds him of the gospel. Betty could have more appropriately responded to Nancy if she had said:

“Yes Nancy, I forgive you. I must say that I am hurt to know that you shared with others what I had asked you not to, but I am thankful for your honesty and your willingness to make things right. There’s no way that I couldn’t forgive you because of how much forgiveness I have been granted in Christ.”

Betty is not sweeping Nancy’s sin under the rug. She grants her forgiveness, and yet is honest about her hurt in the situation. Most importantly, Betty reminds Nancy of the gospel when she mentions how great a debt she has been forgiven in Christ Jesus. Betty is now obligated to be reconciled to Nancy.

Do you see the difference? A community of faith that responds appropriately to the sins of others is a community of faith that is healthy, unified, and filled with joy. The burden of guilt and bitterness is removed. The consciences of the people are cleansed. And most importantly, the gospel is spoken of, applied, and seen as the end all be all of life together. “So in the Christian community” wrote Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “when the call to brotherly confession and forgiveness goes forth it is a call to the great grace of God in the Church.”[2]

May the people of God be faithful to confess their sins to one another, and may the people of God respond to their brothers and sisters appropriately as a reflection of the grace of God in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

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[1]Matthew Henry, Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the Whole Bible: Complete and Unabridged in One Volume (Peabody: Hendrickson, 1996, c1991), Jas 5:12.

[2]Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community, trans. John Dobertstein (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1954), 112.

(By: Nicholas Kennicott)

If I were to try and make a list, I couldn’t possibly recall all the conversations I’ve had with others that I wish I could take back. Unloving comments to cause a sting. Hurtful jokes to get a laugh. Biting sarcasm to prove a point. Harsh criticisms to show superiority. And as I think back on some of these instances, I remember many times when I felt completely justified in my words because I was simply “telling it how it is” – I spoke the truth, but I did so without reminding myself of Paul’s exhortation in Ephesians 4:15: “speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.” How frequently do we tell it how it is by “telling it how it is?” In other words, how often do we speak the truth without love?

When attempting to correct others who have used harsh words, or perhaps in our own efforts to rationalize, it is common to hear the phrase “I’m just telling it how it is” or “it’s the truth isn’t it?” But it’s fully possible to say something that is true, in a sinful and hurtful manner. “Sometimes the truth hurts” isn’t necessarily a biblical concept. In fact, it’s the truth that sets us free (John 8:32). Solomon reminds us in Proverbs 18:21 that “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). Death and life, sword thrusts and healing. Undoubtedly, our words hold tremendous power and we have a great need to be instructed to “let no corrupting talk come out of [our] mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). So how shall we speak the truth in love? How can we tell it how it is without “telling it how it is”?

1. Discern Your Motives
What fuels your desire to speak the truth into a person’s life?

It is possible to speak the same words with a desire to simply prove your rightness and ignite your pride as opposed to seeing a potential harm in allowing another person to walk in falsehood at that specific point in time. In other words, is your concern for yourself, or for the other person? Your demeanor and approach will prove which is true to the one who receives your comments.

2. Remember the Power of Words
James reminds us of the incredible power of the words we use: “If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things” (James 3:3-5). James continues by comparing the tongue to a fire, setting an entire forest ablaze, reminding us that “no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8). What a deadly weapon we can wield! Truly, as Jay Adams remarks, “Truth without love becomes a wicked weapon.”[1] I try to remind myself that sticks and stones can only break bones, but words have the ability to kill.

3. How Am I Going to Say it?
We should always ask ourselves this question before we let loose with what we perceive to be true. A big part of speaking the truth in love is in how we say it. An arrogant, down-looking approach will never receive the same response as the side-by-side at the foot of the cross approach. It’s important that we take the time to figure out how our words will be perceived by others, knowing that we are all stained by falsehood and sin. I can tell another person that they are wrong and affirm that I am right, or I can explain to them why their words, actions, or beliefs are not consistent with the Scriptures, and remind them that Jesus is our measuring rod.

4. Is it Necessary?
I must question whether or not what I’m going to say is kind and/or even necessary. It is possible to speak too quickly, and too often – perhaps we need, from time-to-time, to gather more information prior to approaching another person about an issue of concern. James reminds us to “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). Asking questions of clarification prior to offering personal commentary will more times than not change ones perception of how an issue should be addressed. My rule of thumb is to be able to state a person’s position back to them in a way that they agree with prior to offering what I see as the truth in the situation.

5. Remind Them of the Gospel
Most importantly, we must always remember that the essence of speaking the truth in love is doing so with the gospel at hand. C.J. Mahaney reminds us, “Never correct without reminding the individual, at some point, of the gospel. Any conversation including correction must also include the gospel, because biblical correction is incomplete apart from the gospel.”[2] Ken Sande recounts his experience in this area as well: “The Lord is graciously working to teach me a better way to approach others about their failures. Instead of coming at them with the law, I am learning to bring them the gospel. In other words, rather than dwelling on what people should do or have failed to do, I am learning to focus primarily on what God has done and is doing for them through Christ.”[3] Correction with the truth is worthless without the gospel – it offers no foundational reason why one should abide by the truth, and offers no hope for the one who has walked outside of truth. The most loving way to address another person is with the gospel. And not just unbelievers – Christians need a daily reminder of the gospel. So remind them of Jesus. And don’t forget to remind yourself.

Speaking the truth is crucial in this life – it is so often under-valued and under-emphasized. Nevertheless, when our heart’s desire is to “tell it how it is” without considering how to do so in love, we do damage to the very truth we are seeking to communicate. Let us strive to tell it how it is with the same heart as David: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).

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[1] Jay Adams, Shepherding God’s Flock (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1975), 386.

[2] C.J. Mahaney, Humility: True Greatness (Sisters: Multnomah, 2005), 119.

[3] Ken Sande, The Peace Maker (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2004), 163.